Entering into what I like to call “mom land” got me thinking about things I want to accomplish for my daughter and future children. I’ve been inching closer and closer to completing college by working around my husband and daughters schedule. God’s grace has also played a big role with keeping an A in a math class so far. If you know me, math has never been my thing. I’m the person who says, “Man…. it feels like I’ve been in college forever….” School is not my only goal in life. I have separate dreams, but when entering into mom land I tucked dreaming away. In motherhood sometimes it feels like you’ll never get anything done. I don’t mean only getting to the dishes, laundry and picking up the messes in the house all in one day. What I’m saying is going after the dreams set out at some point. I come from a background of writers who have talked about doing something with their gift, but never really went for it. I’ve wondered why not? I have been working on a book little by little. I have a dream to do something with it one day. Then the negative thoughts creep in: “How would I ever get to any of it if school alone feels like it’s taking forever? Or “Can I still chase after these kinds of things in mom land?” And “Do I just somehow let these passions die?”
Now that I look back, I see a clearer picture of where some sadness within this stemmed from: Self-doubt. When I’d see others accomplishing things, I’d compare myself and think wow I am nothing. I’d asked myself more questions like…. “Do I even have time to do this?” or “What if I fail?” and “What if it turns out to be a waste of time?” So much fear and self-uncertainty filled my head. To overcome it I had to let go of all the “what if’s” and actually learn to believe in myself. I needed to put an end to examining others and labeling myself so lowly. I think at times I can get so wrapped up in my tittle of being just a wife and mom. I love being a wife and mom but deep down I know I have even more to offer. I’ve never wanted to blow out the candle of my passions. I don’t think we should feel guilty for not only wanting to accomplish things for our children, but to also accomplish things separate from wifehood and mom land.
Believing in myself was the first step. The beginning of taking a risk isn’t always stepping out on a scene, it starts within. My true identity found in serving Christ is who I want to be. That is the woman I believe in because she has him as her guide. It’s difficult to believe in the woman who carries doubt and puts limitations on to what she can succeed. Going after scary things in life causes me to put more faith in God. When staying in his will I’ll succeed in whatever he calls me to succeed in. If the desires I have are meant to be then God will make a way, even in mom land.