When I look back I started remembering it all so clearly and some of it’s a little embarrassing to tell. Since I’m a grown woman now it does make it easier to share and honestly a good amount of time passing by always helps.
It all started in the 6th grade when I was going through the “awkward stage.” It was the first day of school. I recently got braces, never used a hair straightener and my favorite songs were probably from a Lizzie McGuire soundtrack. On the first day of school I’d say I dressed “modestly.” That’s the only way I can put it. It wasn’t far into the year I started changing things about myself to fit in with the cool kids. I wanted to dress, talk and act like a cool girl did. At that time I’d do anything it took to fit in. It was still the beginning of the school year and I ended up making a new friend. Let’s just say she didn’t cover up as much and she knew how to get a crowds attention. Got the idea here? Soon enough I wasthe girl walking into gym class with soffe shorts rolled up just enough that my booty poked out. Lying out in the sun each day in hopes my skin would turn brown was a must. I ended up dying my dark brown hair to blonde and to be trendy wore a ribbon in my hair every day before cheer practice. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t dye your hair or that I’ll never go blonde again, but during that time I did it for the wrong reasons. In fact I was doing everything for the wrong reasons. When I look back I see how much care I put into what people thought of me. I carried that into the rest of middle school and all the way to high school years. I also know I’m not the only one whose been a middle schooler or high schooler who cared too much what others thought.
Fast-forward to my 8th grade year. This was a tough one. I ended up transferring to a new middle school across town. Just as I was getting settled into this new environment my parents told my sisters and I the news that we were moving to a smaller town which was an hour and a half away. I had Three months of 8th grade left. I was going to a place where these people already knew each other since kindergarten, so they had their cliques. I went from being in a place of feeling like a “somebody” to now a “nobody.” There was one boy who knew who I was because his family knew mine. He was advised to invite me to sit with him and friends at lunch. I remember him rolling his eyes and acting annoyed that he had to “help” me find my way around. About two weeks in he sent me over to a table full of girls. I felt like a ghost in the room because I literally don’t think anyone knew I was sitting there. Being the new girl in a small town was hard and my stomach was in knots every day because I dreaded lunch time. During this school year I developed white spots all over my body. I went to a dermatologist and it turned out they were sun spots I developed because of my tanning obsession. It was terribly noticeable and embarrassing. I cried and begged my mom to go to the guidance counselor to tell them to take me out of gym class. Being the new girl was already hard enough and I was terrified of being made fun of in the locker room. I thought people would think I was ugly or had some kind of disease.
Going into High School I still dealt with the sun spots. I know as ridiculous as it may sound it was a BIG deal back then. I was a teenage girl, so looks mattered way too much and I’d pick myself apart for any flaw. The spots were the worst on my stomach and arms and if anyone ever saw them they’d ask what it was. That was when I pretended not to hear them while slouching in my chair. When I received my class schedule and saw I had a semester of gym class the knots turned in my stomach. I didn’t want any of the girls to look at me funny in the locker room. Throughout my high school years I changed in the bathroom or would wait till girls left the locker room, which often made me late. I became mad a God because I was dealing with this. I remember crying in my room one day begging him to make my skin look normal again. I would be asked why I wouldn’t go try out for cheerleading and I pretended I just wasn’t into it. I also really wanted to play tennis but kept that a secret. I wouldn’t try out for anything that would put me in a locker room any more than I already had to be. I was terrified people wouldn’t like me. Being in this new town I felt like I had to work to get people to like me. My best friend from my hometown started slipping away more and more into each school year as she found new friends. I ended up meeting this girl who became my new best friend. Long story short, she dumped me as a friend out of nowhere to hang out with a new crowd. I didn’t see it coming, so it left me very confused. I ended up making another new “best friend.” Soon enough she disappeared after getting involved in some unfavorable things.
All those years of dealing with friend rejections, trying to hide a flaw and doing all it took to fit in put me in a place of having major self-worth and trust issues. Not long ago I told one of my closest friends I had a fear she would disappear someday and she reminded me of how she isn’t those girls from my past. I know that isn’t fair towards the friends I have now. After becoming a mom it sometimes felt like going from my old town to a new town all over again. I’d feel like other moms didn’t care to try and get to know me, but I wanted to fit in with them anyways. I sometimes battle with those thoughts today. I know it all stems back to just wanting to be accepted by everyone in a “new place” in life. The sun spot flaw I had I have gotten over now. I’m not afraid to show my stomach and the sun spots have faded a lot throughout the years. Even if I still had them as bad I wouldn’t want to be afraid to show them. I regret letting THAT defeat me in the past because I passed up so many great opportunities. If I could go back I probably would have tried out for the cheerleading or tennis team with my head held up high while embracing my flaw.
I think about how one day my daughter will go to new places in life; like middle school, high school, a career and motherhood. Every mother hopes the best for their children. My hope is that my baby girl never feels like she has to be anyone but her awesome self. It’s my hope that one day when I tell her this story it speaks something to her. I also hope that it encourages you to never pass up any opportunity because of a flaw you have or a fear of people not liking you. I spent years allowing flaws, fears and rejections to defeat me. I can’t go back and change that and it’s okay. Sure I’ll still have flaws and deal with struggles in this life. What I can do is try and stay true to myself today and do a better job at it with God by my side. I can also use this to tell you that I wouldn’t want you to ever conform into being someone you’re not. Lastly, I wouldn’t want you to look back and realize that you let flaws, fears or rejections defeat you.